Black, White and Grey........

The bright colors of hope, of future are nothing compared to the colors of your life in the present. You got a dog today, great! a new family member has arrived, just like when a newborn has arrived. Excitement fills the air. the colors are frazzled, mixed. but than i look at my own life, the life that has no colors, its black and white, and i think, i either have lupus or i don't. it'd be a plain white lie to tell myself i am simply normal.......that i don't have lupus, and lying is never something i've completely felt comfortable with, unless of course its to protect myself from something or someone.
but than i look deeper, into the murky pool of grey. I think, could there be a balance? Where i live my life with lupus always there, but somehow not? Sure, that's possible, if i went into remission, although the facts that i have received during these pasts months show, that may not always be the case, and if it is, it can come back more easily than it dies. so what are my other options?
People look at me and probably, assuming they only know my medical past, think, "Aw, that poor girl is sentenced to a life in the hospitals." But really, am i? besides the many, countless appointments with specialists and being poked, prodded and tested every month, is that so bad? worse than the kids who fight cancer daily, their only known home is the hospital bed that some are fortunate enough never to have to stay in for long? i would like to think people judge me after getting to know me but knowing how shallow, unfair this world has become, i know first impressions count more than whats inside. so does this lupus defy me, make it black and white for some people and grey for others? to me, its simple. i have a pretty black and white path, there's no merger. but in the case where some people might think there is, let me correct you there.
you're dead wrong, i can have my life be perfectly simple yet perfectly extrodinary in no time. i do not judge, i do assume, that is the biggest flaw of all, i myself speak of people who judge harshly when i know in turn every person in the world has made wrong first impressions, including myself. so lets think of this, are we judging people because of their appearance, their posture, their accents, their illnesses, or are we just waiting to find someone who, in our own eyes, we cannot find a flaw to? More to come..........