Fighting it while embracing it.........

Ok, i must say, i am finally getting back to my old self, if thats even possible. i'm getting back into the jist of hanging out with friends, going to the barn to ride and play with doggies alike, and i'm starting to become more active, assigning myself more projects (for example i'm the main base for organizing a fundraiser for my homeschooling group, and getting a fundraiser up and running is HUGE work). But than, while i'm embracing my old life, i'm fighting my new. i'm partially still in denial that all those pills bottles are MINE.... i'm still debating whether or not constant riding is a fine idea on my lupus, and most of all, i don't like to think about the doctors appointments that i have monthly at Dartmith. too many needles, too many viles of blood taken, too many repeated questions that get asked every time, and most of the time have the same answer. i want CHANGE!!! good change, like maybe i'll start getting one hundreds on my math tests or maybe meet some new friends and have a blast. maybe some horse will be boarded at the barn and we  click, and bam, i got myself a new riding companion! Something exciting, something juicy. isn't that what everyone wants though? good change, a change you can embrace. I mean, besides the fact that my steriods are OBVIOUSLY helping my health, well, physically, and things are finally settling into a comforting routine (until high school, which is two years away.) but somehow i want more!!!!!! I am selfish in this reason, but isn't it what every average person wants? something to change in their life, to make a difference? with or without a disease? more to come.........