Illness doesn't always mean to be sick..

I once thought I had plenty of friends for the type of attitude I had~ quiet, easily annoyed at times, very open minded and DID speak my mind a lot. Only a handful of close friends I could relish in with their generous behavior and listening skills to balance me out.
The drama started this past summer of 2011, when I met who I believed to be the best kind of girl there was. She shared a love of horses, was quiet and a good listener, funny, laugh-out-loud kind of a person. I already had one of those safely tucked away in my mind, though her trip to a 5 week summer camp for horse lovers had me missing the company and companionship of a good listener. She was/ is younger than me, nearly two years. I took her under my wing, let her into my own depth of knowledge and she in turn became my friend and we found each other amusing. Had sleepovers, rode together, did trail rides together, everything was fine.
Now, more than six months later, my life is being turned upside down by my oldest true listener and the one recruit I captured this past summer. 
Sure, new summer, new year, new chances. But some scars are too deep to be simply covered up. You need to show them, to accept them. These fights I've been having with my listening, caring friends may be simply me but I do not think so. 
I have stress in my life, being blamed for the fights, not seeming to have enough money to buy my friends the birthday presents they desperately want. Despite their lack of friendship lately they have held me out of the deep end as long as possible, and giving them something fulfilling no matter what anyone thinks of me or my actions is something I dearly enjoy. I can't hate them or despise them or wish them to an eternity in hell, because I do not hate, loathe or despise them. I simply do not understand them anymore. What happened to that kind, sweet, listening person I met this past summer? What has happened to her? Had the return of my more close, deeper in history listener affected her, inspired her to become both our friends and than more of her friend than mine? Have I let things slip? Have I not become her mentor almost, someone to look up to. No, I do think I have lost this. She does not look up to me but merely looks straight ahead, never blinking, never moving, never TRUSTING me to do the right thing. Knowing this hurts more than ever...
If you read this blog, I would be dearly happy if you could tell people of my blog and tell them to become a follower. I feel an audience to my blogs would be delightful, something to look forward to. It's not that I don't already appreciate my followers (trust me, I do) but the more the merrier, isn't that the saying?
Wishing you a safe and happy (belated) New Year to all. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! Feedback is important for a blogger and inspiring author-to-be, constructive knowledge is always good.

Well really...

Well this life majorly sucks (pardon my language). 
Sure, my medical life is finally getting under control, but now my friend drama and the drama ( i guess) I've created at the stables has reached a boiling point, a simple warning has sent me running from the stable manager/ friend/ instructor/ sorta sister.
I don't even remember doing anything wrong and yet, I did. How frustrating is that!!??!?!? I mean, sure, be mad at me, explain to me, but don't leave me hanging with only a few strands.
The manager (name remains annoymous) says i did something totally rude and didn't listen but from that night I do not remember. Maybe I did but I was so flushed with adrenaline at the situation I forgot it. I know I got in trouble there with her a lot, simple things and major things. She said this was my first and last warning and that next time I could count on not being there for like a week. OK....mind telling me?!?!
Plus, even though my medical status is improving, it does not mean that it is totally better. I am stuck on 5 milligrams of steriods for awhile because my compliments are up!!! I can't believe this! And now this manager drama on top of everything else! How can I go back not knowing who she told about my behavior or who is judging me or who I can trust?!? Will my friends understand or will they turn on me!?! Will I eventually have to move from this stable just like I moved from my old school?!?!?
Anyways, yeah, life is not so good right now emotionally and physically (in my emotion category that is) my medical health still remains a mystery whether or not I will be able to get off steriods any time soon. Lupus and friendship have once again rendered me useless in this case.
So here's to a 2012..full of heartache and the never ending feeling of lonliness....and we are only into our 5th day. Hoorah! :/