Illness doesn't always mean to be sick..

I once thought I had plenty of friends for the type of attitude I had~ quiet, easily annoyed at times, very open minded and DID speak my mind a lot. Only a handful of close friends I could relish in with their generous behavior and listening skills to balance me out.
The drama started this past summer of 2011, when I met who I believed to be the best kind of girl there was. She shared a love of horses, was quiet and a good listener, funny, laugh-out-loud kind of a person. I already had one of those safely tucked away in my mind, though her trip to a 5 week summer camp for horse lovers had me missing the company and companionship of a good listener. She was/ is younger than me, nearly two years. I took her under my wing, let her into my own depth of knowledge and she in turn became my friend and we found each other amusing. Had sleepovers, rode together, did trail rides together, everything was fine.
Now, more than six months later, my life is being turned upside down by my oldest true listener and the one recruit I captured this past summer. 
Sure, new summer, new year, new chances. But some scars are too deep to be simply covered up. You need to show them, to accept them. These fights I've been having with my listening, caring friends may be simply me but I do not think so. 
I have stress in my life, being blamed for the fights, not seeming to have enough money to buy my friends the birthday presents they desperately want. Despite their lack of friendship lately they have held me out of the deep end as long as possible, and giving them something fulfilling no matter what anyone thinks of me or my actions is something I dearly enjoy. I can't hate them or despise them or wish them to an eternity in hell, because I do not hate, loathe or despise them. I simply do not understand them anymore. What happened to that kind, sweet, listening person I met this past summer? What has happened to her? Had the return of my more close, deeper in history listener affected her, inspired her to become both our friends and than more of her friend than mine? Have I let things slip? Have I not become her mentor almost, someone to look up to. No, I do think I have lost this. She does not look up to me but merely looks straight ahead, never blinking, never moving, never TRUSTING me to do the right thing. Knowing this hurts more than ever...
If you read this blog, I would be dearly happy if you could tell people of my blog and tell them to become a follower. I feel an audience to my blogs would be delightful, something to look forward to. It's not that I don't already appreciate my followers (trust me, I do) but the more the merrier, isn't that the saying?
Wishing you a safe and happy (belated) New Year to all. PLEASE LEAVE COMMENTS! Feedback is important for a blogger and inspiring author-to-be, constructive knowledge is always good.